Death

This is a series of thoughts and prayers that I wrote down 3 years ago before and after the death of my step-father, Eric Johnson.

               I have never had much experience with the reality of death in my life, as of yet, though in truth it is the most prominent reality in the world as a result of the devastating power of sin. And I am seemingly overwhelmed by the domination that this truth has on all of my views at the moment.   My views of the world around me, views of the war within me between my flesh and spirit, the views on a common man's soul who walks about in search of his flight at the airport, or even my views of the desolate war that rages in Iraq at the moment, has been changed by this fresh and vivid view of death. It is as if God in His divine Sovereignty chose to place a new seeing glass before my eyes , that I might in a sense see His glory in the world a little clearer, though still dimly. Before I saw but a speck, and now a small gleam.

               This seeing glass has brought with it many hardships and trials though, trials which I was totally and utterly unprepared for. And as I walked along the great hallway of life, thinking solely of my self and the concerns of the world which I have created in my mind, this world that contains everything that my sinful and selfish heart want or think are important, God shook the walls of my soul and tore down the paintings of these unimportant and selfish wants or concerns with one phone call. This was a phone call which informed me that a very close and dearly loved soul has the high potential to leave this world and be in the presence of God. Yet the most intriguing part of this position is that all at once I am shocked, despairing, encouraged, overwhelmed with sadness, joy, and incredibly drawn to God. All the time asking myself, is this the answer to my prayers for spiritual growth, is this, perhaps, the answer to my prayers for trials that would impact me and those around me deeply.

               I am not alone in this trial, though... i have never felt so alone. I am sitting here on a plane, and my heart cries out to God for guidance. This death would impact a large amount of people, but interesting as it is, my heart is still drawn to only think of self. It would only be the work of God if I were to at all imitate Christ during this time, but praise be to God that he has forgiven me of the selfish sins which I will commit during this time. For it is by dependance on His Holy Spirit alone, that I shall be able to over come these  sinful habits of my heart, and be able to have a much more effective ministry to the church and my family. Directing their attention toward Christ and not in any manner towards myself. For He must increase and I must decrease.

               Blood and heartache are the accompanying factors in this time of utter sorrow and death in my family, yet in spite of this my soul seems at ease with the faithfulness and power of  our great God. For he has chosen to allow this tragedy to happen, and that is where I must rest. That is where we all must rest, in the sovereign, and warm loving hands  of our great Father and Lord. I have a strong and burning passion to embrace His open arms, and pour forth all my heart, to make Him my refuge and my stronghold as the psalmist said in Psalm 62:8. This is where a Christian man must stand, considering it all joy when God places these blessings, in the form of trials, in our lives.

               Now, having looked upon the lifeless, cold body of my dear friend and step father, my heart and soul have begun to ache with memories, as well as potential memories that there could have been. I have sat in his house seeing the remains of projects not completed, seeing his ghost walking around living life and working so hard for my mother and little sister, and all I can think about is that he won't be the one to complete these projects. And I walk through his kitchen observing the work of his hands on the cabinets and the tile, the sweet smell of freshly sanded wood filling my nostrils, and I begin to cry. What can God be doing, how can any good come from this death, why would God take a life that has impacted so many?  These  are questions which we are not meant to know the answers to, yet.

               Early this morning I was observing a small candle that burned on the coffee table in his living room, and I sat there staring at it while my youngest sister played a song, full of passion, of joy and heart ache. And my mind was drawn to thinking of how our lives are but candles burning dimly in time, so easily snuffed out, or rather lovingly blown out by God, who gives and takes away.

               Despite the deep sorrow and heartache of death, a soul that is healthy in the Lord and in the understanding of the truth of heaven will actually find joy and comfort in the death of a Christian saint. And by the grace of God I find my heart in this kind of a state, where all I could ask my step-father's body is "What is it like, what is it like to die, what is it like to kiss the hands and feet of our Saviour and Lord, what is heaven like, what is Jesus like?" Coming to terms with his death is probably one of the heaviest weights I have had to bear in this life.